Creating a Feelings Jar: A Simple Exercise for Self-Compassion
The world is an incredibly challenging place for many of us right now. While it has never been easy to be human, social media and constant reports on all things good and bad has made living in modern times much more complicated.
This complexity has many of use asking: what is one to do in the face of a news cycle – or life – that brings a never-ending stream of hardships and heartbreak?
Many of us have developed self-care tools: taking breaks from social media, exercising, getting lost in a good TV show when we need to, etc.
But often, despite our best intentions, feelings persist.
One of my favorite tools to manage this phenomenon is a Feelings Jar.
The beauty of a Feelings Jar is that it can be used by anyone – adults or kids.
Here’s how it works:
1. Think of a challenging situation that has happened in your life and fairly present for you every day – could be a tough dynamic at work, something happening in the larger world, a loss, etc.
2. Now take a piece of paper and cut it into squares.
3. On each square, write an emotion you have about the situation you’ve identified.
4. When you’ve written down every emotion you can think of, go through each and write down (under each emotion or on the opposite side of the paper) 1-3 things that you can do to help yourself when you are feeling that particular emotion.
5. When you are finished, place the squares of paper in a jar (or other container).
6. Keep this jar handy. When you are lost in a swirl of emotions, pull the squares of paper out and ask yourself, “What feeling(s) is most present for me regarding this challenge today?”
7. Figure out what you need on that day to honor that feeling(s).
For example, let’s say you have recently gone through a breakup. Most of us have experienced this and know that there are a whole host of feelings that can come with the end of a relationship. Some of these feelings can even be contradictory.
You might feel angry, sad, abandoned, anxious, relieved, confused, peaceful, lonely, distant, or any number of other emotions depending on the day/hour/minute.
Creating a Feelings Jar can help when these emotions become too much and you need to find a way to manage or understand what you are feeling.
Just the act of taking a moment to identify our whole range of feelings can be useful. It can give us a more complete picture of just how many things – and what – we might be feeling about a situation.
When you wake up feeling overwhelmed with emotion and unsure what you need, you can grab your Feelings Jar and take a moment to look through the squares of paper.
Using the same example, inside of a breakup, this might help you identify one day that what you are feeling most is abandoned and anxious.
Having identified these feelings, turn to the self-care steps you previously identified. Examples would include calling a friend/not being alone (when feeling abandoned) or going for a run or listening to music (when feeling anxious).
It’s important to note that the self-care will be different for everyone – one person might want to be alone to breathe when feeling anxious and another might need to call a friend and just talk. There is no right or wrong. There is only you.
Using a Feelings Jar can help remind us that it is normal to experience many emotions about a situation, and that it is okay to need different things on different days. It also allows us to extend deep compassion and understanding to ourselves in any given moment.
Parents and caregivers can use this exercise with kids to help teach them about emotions and self-regulation, as well as self-compassion.
The world’s challenges are unlikely to end anytime soon. While we may not be in control of this, we can learn to ask ourselves more often what we need inside of these challenges. And when we can hold ourselves and our feelings in a compassionate way, I believe that gets us all a little closer to peace.
Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com or gail@eyesopeniowa.org.