October is Let's Talk Month!

October is Let’s Talk Month. At EOI, we love Let’s Talk Month because it reminds us that conversations are the building blocks of sexual health!

 When we can talk about sexual health, we can normalize it. Safe, supportive conversation creates a resting place for human beings to return to when things get hard.

 But as so many of you know, there is a big difference between safe conversation and easy conversation. Especially when it comes to talking with our young people. Finding space for conversation between adults and teens can be a tricky skill to master. So many of us have felt this frustration!

 In honor of Let’s Talk Month, we thought we’d offer some tips for creating a space in which young people can open up and feel safe sharing thoughts and questions.

 The goal is never to get teens to speak every time we ask, but rather to become an “askable adult”. Being an askable adult simply means being a trusted source that young people can turn to when and if they want to chat.

 One of my favorite ways to ensure I’m an “askable adult” when it comes to sexual health and relationships is to work on becoming a safe space when the conversation isn’t centered around sex or relationships. Often, it can be easier to start there.

 As just one example, my oldest child, who is 11, has been feeling the school blues ever since school started three weeks ago. Predictably, these blues almost always come in the form of “I don’t like school!” and “I don’t want to go today!” every morning at about 7:45 before we walk out the door.

 Traditional wisdom as so many of us know from our own parents is to respond to these protestations with something like the following:

-       “I know, but it will be okay! You’ll get to see your friends.” OR

-       “You like school! You had so much fun yesterday.” OR

-       “You have to go. I have a big meeting today. Get in the car.”

 I have said every single one of these things multiple times out of panic and frustration. But over time, I have realized that such responses skip over my son’s feelings by either immediately offering a solution and/or telling him that his feelings aren’t real – or by centering my own feelings and what I have going on.

 We do this because we are panicked in the moment or because we just don’t want to DEAL. I get it. It’s so normal.

 But increasingly, I am working to engage another, more effective strategy that simply meets my son where he is – deep in his feelings. When I am in this parenting mode, I might say something like:

-       “I hear you and I believe you. Can you tell me where you are feeling this in your body?” OR

-       “I see how intense this feeling is for you every morning. Is there something I can offer you in the next minute or so – or after school – to help you deal with this pattern?” OR

-       “I’m so sorry. I know.”

 The tricky thing about kids is that they almost never come to you to talk about their feelings when they aren’t deep in the middle of said feeling. By nature, they process things as they come up (which is what a lot of adults do too, by the way!). And when you are five minutes late for school or a meeting and your child is experiencing an intense feeling, it can be hard to find the space – or patience – to work through them.

 But it helps to remember that our job as parents and caregivers is to prepare our young people for adult life, and as such, the fact that their feelings are happening in real time can be a beautiful opportunity to model how to best navigate future moments of stress.

 So we might say something like, “Being on time to my meeting isn’t super important today. I can be a few minutes late. Why don’t we sit together and breath?”

 We can take a moment to be with them in their feelings and ask them questions like, “What’s one thing you would change about school if you could?” or “Can you tell me more about it?”

And if we do actually need to be somewhere on time, we might say, “I’m so sorry that I have to leave now. But can we take some time after school to talk about this? Or a bit more time tomorrow morning if you’re struggling? I want to hear more.”

 Any response that leans toward compassion, expansiveness, and a feeling of security is what we’re aiming for here.

 Because isn’t kindness, safety, and expansiveness what we’re all searching for in moments of stress?

 The beauty is this approach is that it also allows space for us in moments of stress.

 And finally, it creates a beautiful building block for future conversations about more challenging things, like, you know, sex and relationships. Because such conversations also require space, safety, and compassion, too.

 We’d love to hear from you – what works for you to create safe spaces with your kids? Let’s talk!

Gail Cowan, MSW, is EOI’s Director of Development. A former therapist, she also runs her own coaching business. Find her at www.gailcowan.com or gail@eyesopeniowa.org.