5 Ways to Improve Communication With Your Teen

by Danielle Miller Hajdini, LCSW

It’s difficult to compete for your teen’s attention in the modern world. Not only are parents up against the old regulars - social circles, homework, job responsibilities and extracurricular activities, now they must contend with the entire world wide web and it’s wild sister, social media! And let me tell you that sister is trouble! So many of us are left to wonder how we can communicate with our children in a fashion that leaves both parties feeling heard and valued. As a child and adolescent therapist, I’ve learned a few ideas that allow parents the opportunity to build a solid foundation of healthy communication with their adolescent.

Lead with the truth. Many times parents avoid truthful conversations with their children out of a desire to protect them. I caution against this as children are much more perceptive to other’s feelings than we give them credit for. They are always paying attention and picking up on even the smallest of comments and behaviors. If we don’t tell the truth to our kiddos then it leaves them to make up their own stories in their head and those stories can sometimes be much worse than the truth. No one wants their children to experience undue anxiety. Not to mention, if our kids know they can come to us with the difficult questions in life and we will be open and truthful, it will build a sense of safety and connection in our relationship that will last a lifetime. Everyone benefits from the truth!

Use active listening. Active listening is a term often used in therapy. It involves a high level of engagement upon your part. Giving you the opportunity to act as a sounding board, active listening builds validation for your teen and as a result he/she is much more likely to keep talking. Kids always hope their parents are actively listening and you can show them you are by doing the following:

● Put away cell phones or any other distractions

● Make and hold eye contact

● Withhold interruptions, judgement, advice and attempt to remain neutral

● Ask questions for clarification

● Smile, lean in - show you are interested

● Be absolutely present in the moment

Emphasize connection. The more you connect with your children through healthy conversation the less correction you will need. Teens who feel secure in their relationship with their parents will feel less of a need to rebel or act out (even though this can sometimes be a normal part of adolescence.) Isn’t that what we all want? Connection equates to quality time spent together in the present moment. How you spend your quality time is up to you: it could be going to lunch on the weekend or spending an extra 10 minutes together at night talking about their day. Agenda-free presence is all it requires.

Pay attention to the small things. Our kids will come to us for countless reasons throughout their lives. Something I think every parent wants. I recommend trying your best to field those small questions, concerns and comments with as much time and respect as you do with the big moments in life. If kids know they can come to you about a game they are playing or a sandwich they are eating and you will give your full attention and care no matter how trivial the topic, they are much more likely to come to you if they have questions about the big things in life like healthy relationships, problems with friends or thoughts and feelings of depression and anxiety.

Don’t assume the worst. Teenagers get a bad rap. They have a reputation that many times or most of the time (if I am being honest) precedes them- selfish, overly emotional, lazy, disrespectful and combative. You name it. As a therapist, I have heard it. While it may be true at times, the same can be said about adults. Parents have their problematic days too. If we are going to be forgiving of our own poor behavior, we should be forgiving of our teen’s questionable choices as well. We all have good days and bad days. Teens are exploring, learning and making mistakes. It doesn’t mean they don’t want our support, our concern, and our attention to help them navigate the difficulties. They beg us to love them through sometimes the ugliest of behaviors. They aren’t awful teens. They are simply people like us who are craving connection, validation and acceptance.

It’s up to us to guide our teens and support them even on their worst days. As parents we have the opportunity to take the lead and improve communication with our young people. If we practice these skills consistently, we will build relationships with our children that are overflowing with love, honesty and mutual respect.

Guest Blogger - Danielle Miller Hajdini, LCSW is the founder of Family Mind Wellness. A psychotherapist based in Atlanta, Georgia, she specializes in the holistic treatment and prevention of anxiety disorders. As a consultant, speaker and educator, she works to help families everywhere make the connection between mental wellness and healthy lifestyle choices. For more like this, visit Family Mind Wellness on Facebook